Rescuing the rescuer/edit

Emotional help: Rescuing the rescuer

By Rob Kaufman, LCSW

https://responsibledivorce.com/advice/rescue.htm#:~:targetText=A%20rescuer%20is%20someone%20who%20feels%20a%20duty%20or%20obligation,never%20there%20for%20the%20friends.

 I never met a rescuer who 

didn't want to be rescued.

A rescuer is someone who looks to take on the responsibility for someone else's behavior.

An unhealthy rescuer behavior;

 one who feels a duty or obligation to maintain a relationship as it is

 even when they are feeling used/even when it is self destructive or harmful to 

the rescuer.

unhealthy rescuer behaviors;

-Rescuers like to think of themselves as big hearted or generous to a fault.

-tend to want to give to others and typically ask for nothing in return.

-being a rescuer she would never voice an opinion.

     -never voiced what she wanted.

 being a way to have an intimate relationship without the intimacy

-having no opinions or needs. 

-someone who was there to serve

-set in cement; 

her role was to give and his role was to receive.

rescue-ee;

-Rather than appreciating that she had not ever asked for help (or much else for that matter) he grew annoyed with her wanting something from him

-Each time her request was met with bitterness and anger on the part of her husband

-No matter how infrequent she asked for something from her husband, she was either punished for asking or refused altogether

he always believed she 

never asked for any- 

thing because she never

wanted anything from

 him (or anyone else)

the wife felt used / 

taken for granted now 

that she had finally asked for something. 

-rescue-ee felt deceived since his wife gave him the impression she had no needs.

 fearbased love requires 

rigid control of the reason defining 

engagment w/ the other

Authenticity/ maturity can't

 be managed or Faked.

-Emptyness-Low self- esteem form an inauthentic self /-default setting 

-Seeks for a perfectionist fantasy identity to imitate or interpret.( idealized role model or celebrity)

-Entity /Construct;

  Magically to acquire worth/ pride 

the hope and fantasy of the rescuer is to

 be loved on their idealized terms of being the one who rescues. It's an Al-Anon problem!

the rescuer chooses a taker 
who becomes a project not a peer

Signs of Impacted grief;

✏don't have enough room to emerge or develop normally. 

✏tightly or immovably wedged in rigid control fantasies

✏blocked from breaking through into new modes of thinking or being

✏deeply entrenched in Old Behavior and addiction patterns: not easily changed or removed. 

✏strongly or directly affected/obsessed by something especially in a negative way

✏at risk for unhealthy relationships that are one sided 

✏giving help to people who can never respect you or give back. 

Rescuer's minimize 
intimacy needs by these(binary) means;

-never having to say no to being generous and hospitable

-always having that generosity disrespected.

-feeling taken advantage of (may become a rationalization to form addictions or addictive behavior) 

-low self-esteem lifestyle requires ridgid
 limits of intimacy. 

-by default keeps development of authentic self in check

-experiences anxiety living in a lonely double bind situation. (A replication of the circumstance was one was in in an alcoholic family)

-comfortable with chronic fatigue/ill health.  

the taker 

-feels manipulated

/deceived

 -trapped being one who can never grow out of infantile selfish dependence 

 Healthy people feel guilty only 

receiving and not giving in return.

how do rescuers find healthy relationships from which they do not need rescuing? 

/letting those people to whom they give know that they, the rescuers, also have needs

rescuers must examine their discomfort in receiving/why they choose to have relationships with takers.

🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁

Compulsive

 Rescuing

https://goldsteintherapy.com/compulsive-rescuers-seek-html/

rescue-seeking behaviors: 

-getting involved in a relationship without being ready to commit to being in a relationship simply because it’s convenient to have company in a lonely moment (only to give mixed messages to the other person, because of your own unreadiness to invest).

-begging others to give advice and then not listening to the advice, only to ask for the same advice a short time later 

being drawn into the 
“compulsive rescuer” role payoff

-saying " Yes I can help" when someone asks for it or expresses pain gets a positive reaction from people.

-a way to feel good about themselves (helpers high)

-in control of the situation by playing a 

useful role

- feeling needed when helping others.

“natural rescuers”

usually probably/experienced  (unresolved) painful childhood traumas. They defend themselves against the memories by being part of a “rescue fantasy”

-Indulge the fantasy that a painful situation can be resolved by their rescuing intervention.

 -Their imagination motivates them to get involved with other's chaos and drama in order to create a “good ending”. 

-This is their creative attempt to magically transfer and create a different ending to their own powerlessness.

-Indulge in The Chronic activity of rescue/ rescuing becomes a reason for being.

🍁“rescue-seekers"

victims response to challenges;

look for someone or something who

can help them avoid pain or responsibility 

-often becoming manipulative or deceitful in the process

-complaining that he has no money, while hiding the fact that he does have income

-keep begging, or go from person to person, trying harder and harder to find someone who will give them what they are seeking or demanding.

-avoid taking responsibility, or

-experiencing discomfort/managing challenges

-sense of power that comes with acting on their world and getting others to play along with their carefully orchestrated script.

🍁with any behavior pattern that is rigid closes off options

-the rescuer may have trouble knowing when it’s healthy to say “no”

-unhealthy for the person who is being protected from consequences from learning to manage the challenges and tasks of healthy adult life. 

🍁rescuers may also fail to realize what “price tag” they are unconsciously attaching to their help

-expectation that the recipient of their rescue attempts will be under their control

-recipient will take their advice and make the rescuer feel important

-recipient will feel guilty to separate from the rescuer

-recipient will show the rescuer whatever appreciation they feel they are owed

-rescuing others distracts the rescuer from focusing on parts of their own selves that need to be rescued/worked on

🍁the compulsive rescue-seeker (victim)

-rescue-seeker (victim) dependents 

completely fall apart when the rescuer moves or dies. 

-makes it hard for us to learn from experiences. 

-unconscious fear/ paranoia/anxiety

 from avoiding consequences/responsibility

-paranoia/anxiety…he will either be “caught” in his actions

 forced to pay the consequences, 

-paranoia/anxiety he will be blindsided by avoided responsibilities 

🍁Letting others rescue us may also make us feel beholden to those who help us

-forced to repay them by letting them boss us around

-have self-esteem difficulties,

-never get the sense of mastery that comes from working through a challenge

-b/c envious of those who seem able to rescue them in ways that they cannot rescue themselves!

🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁