Keeping it simple: POWER, CONTROL, AND CODEPENDENCY/edit

POWER, CONTROL, AND CODEPENDENCY

https://darlenelancer.com/power-control-and-codependency-2/

Having power means

having a sense of

control/having choices

/ability to influence

one's environment & others. It’s a natural

/ healthy instinct.

WHEN WE FEEL EMPOWERED

-we can manage our emotions,

-believe that we matter and that

-we can affect outcomes.

-have a sense of efficacy in our lives,
rather than being at the mercy of others
/their charity/random circumstances.

-Instead of reacting, we can act because we have an internal locus-of-control.😀

Impaired Power/

victims of outside forces;

feel like one's destiny is out of one's hands

-voluntarily give up one's power
to others.

-one may feel

uncomfortable w/exercising one's power.

-may believe that one will alienate others.

-one might be triggered by others behavior

-defer to their wants and needs denying one's own needs.

-have trouble making decisions/initiating independent action.

-one might feel one is being mean
/raising one's voice when one is expressing one's legitimate needs/wants (in a normal voice).

- assume one is rude/inappropriate when one is merely stating what one does/doesn't like.

codependent's impaired
sense of power stems from;

1. A habitual external focus on others

2. Shame and low self-esteem–not feeling worthy

3. Dependence and lack of autonomy

–excessive need for a relationship

4. Lack of assertiveness and deference to others’ decisions

5. Discomfort with power and a belief that it harms relationships

6. Fear of rejection and abandonment

7. Need for others’ love and approval to feel content and happy

8.denial of needs/wants/feelings

9. Having unreasonable expectations of others

10. Lack of self-responsibility (victim-blame mentality)

11. difficulty being honest about one's needs.

12. anticipation of punishment for having feelings/needs.

(The rescuer pattern)

Power Imbalances in Relationships

damaged identity issues;

co-dependents have power vacuums

(most likely due to childhood trauma)someone/
something

temporarily re-places oneself

/one's agency. An invasive influence takes control of

choice making of those ones who
have immature identities/wounded identities.

-an addict
-addiction

-narcissist
- narcissistic cult/institution

-abusive person/controllers

the acquiescent partner attempts to exert influence

-in indirect ways

-passive-aggressive ways,

-withholding.

Chronic lack of power can lead to
depression and physical symptoms.

HEALTHIER RELATIONSHIP

revolve around;

-Corita Kent

-money,

-chores,

-childcare,

-negotiating

how & w/

whom time

is spent.

To avoid conflict, some couples SEGREGATE DOMAINS

where they each exercise more control.

EGALITARIAN

UNFAIRNESS/ IMBALANCED POWER

happens when
our feelings
and needs
are ignored.

- one doesn't feel listen to

- one's input doesn't matters

- one feels unimportant

- one is resentful.

- one has no influence

- one feels disrespected

- one feels powerless.

SHARED POWER

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS/POWER IS SHARED

🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯🎯

Self-worth

/autonomy;

pre-requisites

to sharing

feelings/power/

entitlement

expressing

desires/needs

requires

respect and reciprocity

one must take responsibility

🎯for themselves

🎯for the relationship.

🎯to be sure about making decisions jointly

🎯one feels safe and valued enough to be vulnerable.

🎯to able to say what one likes and doesn't like

🎯to do what one wants

RELATIONSHIPS AND INTIMACY
REQUIRE BOUNDARIES TO ENSURE
MUTUAL RESPECT AND THE
HAPPINESS / BOTH PARTNERS.

CODEPENDENTS and POWER

Ppl grow up in families where;

🎯power was

exercised

over them in a

dominant/

submissive

pattern.

🎯needs and

feelings were

ignored or

criticized

WHEN PERSONAL
POWER/SELFWORTH

ISN'T URGED ONE BELIEVES THAT

POWER AND LOVE

CAN'T COEXIST.

ONE IS AFRAID

OF ONE'S OWN
POWER.

ONE FEELS UNSAFE/NEEDS PROTECTION FROM A STRONGER SOURCE. IN ORDER TO SURVIVE ONE LEARNS TO RESORT

TO A FORM OF EMOTIONAL BRIBERY/ACCOMMODATION/

PEOPLE-PLEASING.

some children grow up to

decide the best

way to feel safe /get their power needs met is to

dominate others

-breeds fear /

resentment

-makes our partner

& others

withdraw or

-behave in passive-

aggressive ways.

CODEPENDENTS HAVE NEVER LEARNED TO BE ASSERTIVE OR HOW TO PROBLEM-SOLVE.

-they are unable

to know / assert

their wants / needs

-make decision

for themselves

-often defer to

others or don’t

act at all.

-relinquish

control over

themselves.

EMPOWERING ASSERTIVENESS

Requires a foundation of autonomy and self-esteem assertiveness can be learned.

Doing so

builds

self-esteem.

(How to learn assertiveness?)🍁

CONTROL OF SELF AND OTHERS IS ONE OF

THE PRIMARY SYMPTOMS OF CODEPENDENCY

codependents

lack a sense

of true power

in their lives

/passive-

aggressively

/ aggressively

MANIPULATE / CONTROL OTHERS. When their expectations aren’t met they feel powerless & anxious

Instead of taking responsibility for their happiness, which would be empowering, codependents’ focus is;

-external/trying to

exercise power over

others

-control others to make themselves

feel okay on

the inside.

-behavior is

based on the

erroneous belief that

we can change others.

-we know what's best for them

-feel helpless/powerless /anxious when their expectations aren’t met

LOVE AND POWER/HOW TO BECOME EMPOWERED

love doesn’t mean giving up oneself, (which eventually leads to resentment.)

requires the exercise of power.

To claim our power means learning to live consciously, taking responsibility for;

-ourselves

-choices,

-building self-esteem,

-asking directly for our needs/wants.

As we learn to express ourselves

honestly and set boundaries

and say no, we create safety & mutual respect

allowing our

partner to do

the same.

BECOMING MORE AUTONOMOUS

(without becoming defensive or blaming)

-builds self-esteem

- assures us that

we can survive

on our own.

-makes us less

dependent on

others’ approval.

-allows couples to

be less reactive.

-able to share

their feelings

-hear each

other’s needs

-problem-solve

-negotiate

SHARING OUR VULNERABILITY – OUR FEELINGS, WANTS AND NEEDS ACTUALLY STRENGTHENS OUR TRUE SELF IN AN ENVIRONMENT OF MUTUALITY AND TRUST.

asserting this kind of power permits safety and allows for intimacy and love to flourish.

When we feel powerless or unsafe, love and the health of the relationship are threatened.

COMMENTS;

I now need to go through more pain to get the healing I need. I am once again devastated. It would take a lifetime of total commitment from both spouses to get this codependency issue resolved. Seems very unlikely to ever be resolved together. Any ideas?

when one person changes, it forces the

dynamics of the couple to change.

start working on yourself.

If the marriage shouldn't improve you’ll be in a better place to move on if it doesn’t.

I now go to 3 meetings a week, therapy and aftercare.

You seem to be enabling everyone around you because you say you are a drinker and that’s when some of us, especially people in Alanon find out that they belong in AA to put the drink down,
do the steps with God and a loving Big Book Sponsor so that you can have spirituality in