What Codependency Is, and What It Isn't

What Codependency Is, and What It Isn't

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healthy-connections/201507/what-codependency-is-and-what-it-isnt

Lynn was guilty of two things:

Loving her son

/being terrified she'll lose him. 

some of her efforts to help him were    ineffective.    They weren't dysfunctional

 or abnormal under the      circumstances. 

The behaviors she described didn't require a label of codependent or controlling. Both
 terms made her feel ashamed.

Parent-child 

attachments

are nurturing /protecting

 thoughts           her son might die of his addiction paralyzed             Lynn.

In her mind, the only solution was to save him. 

Even though her actions were ineffective, her fear and panic were normal reactions.

/she needed the wisdom of experienced help to change the direction of her helping

/a support system to guide and encourage her.🍁

(What can you get from 

a support group that deals w/codependency?)

/view this pattern through the lens of insecure attachment:

/It brings out the “Mama Bear” in anyone. 

/To aid our survival, we are wired to love and protect our children. 

/We have strong reactions when our children are threatened.

🍁(What are some of the strong reactions that parents have when their children are threatened)

🍁Similar reactions 

occur when we lose significant 

relationships.   

That's normal    

 not codependent.

Some adults who did not feel safe or attached to their parents as children may have ongoing struggles w/ insecurity in their relationships. 

They may feel; 

-unwanted

-worried about possible rejection

-afraid they will lose someone they love

-uncertain of their attachment to others

-When they find themselves with a partner who is abandoning or inconsistent (for whatever reason), they respond and behave in a fearful way. 

They may become; 

-angry,  

-isolated

- jealous, 

-possessive

-hyper vigilant, dwelling on the problems of the people they love.

-obsessed with trying to change or help their partner or child. 

In the process, they; 

-begin to lose their way 

-find themselves hurting and alone

PATTERNS OF LOSS  OF ONESELF/DIFFICULTY WITH REGULATING EMOTIONS 

🍁Since the

 late 1970s, 

this was called 

codependency;

-a caricature of a passive victim

-compulsive caretaker

-controller, 

-enabler often 

-blamed for causing the problem. 

As children those who had stable 

home life /secure attachments will 

navigate a problematic relationship 

better than those who feel insecure / 

unlovable for most of their lives.

Some adults feel insecure in all of their relationships.

Some feel occasional insecurity

when they are 

w/unreliable

\inconsistent
lovers/friends.

When one believes one is secure one feels  one deserves to be treated well;                                                    

-kindness

-compassion

-consideration. 

When they experience a moment of separation or rejection

secure people do not get as;

-anxious,

-agitated, 

-angry, or 

-obsessed 

Anxiety is a normal emotional response: 

      its important to acknowledge it when it.                                       arises. 

🍁An insecure approach;

Hoping that your loved ones will change their feelings and choices to help you feel better.

How to become secure;

-learn to manage.                                              

 your instinctive 

reactions to the 

activities of those 

you love. 

-take the time

security

 means;

-Meditation 

-contemplation

-Learning/ 

acquiring 

self-soothing 

introspective

 techniques

Focus attention;

-on discipline 

-avoid picking up self-destructive habits

-substances or 

-compulsive behavior. 

Advantages of inner work;

-able to approach our loved one from a place of security  

-make better choices. 

-counseling can make the process of 

change easier and faster.

It's normal / natural not codependent;

—to seek the comfort of those we love

When we are hurting; 

to feel anxious when we are separated or abandoned, regardless of the cause.

(Whatever the source...be it from addiction, mental illness/chronic stress)

FEAR changes our behavior

 in a way that is intended to; 

-protect and 

-preserve our

 attachment 

to those 

we love.

IF ANXIETY
INCREASES 

People begin to live in a survival mode.

Patterns

that attempt:

(Don't work)

degreasing one's 

anxiety/

increase attachment/

ineffective/

make the situation worse.