Nice-nasty/edit

https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/10-methods-nasty-people-use-and-how-avoid-them.html

Nice-nasty;

😁occurs when someone acts in a way that on the surface can be perceived as nice; however, its root, motivation, and execution are nasty.

/

a form of passive-aggressive behavior

rude

uncaring, and 

pseudo-professional.

nice-nasty—actually employing the nastiness of alternate facts or truth handled inappropriately.

a cover up—hiding who we are or what we really want to say.

What is authentically you with the fruit of the spirit developed in you?

We can speak the truth in love, express hurt, hold persons accountable, and still hold high standards without being nasty...

and still be kind.

we can;

learn and practice how and when to have hard conversations without being passive aggressive or emotionally deceptive

words can cut long, hard, and continuously even years after the conversation😁

allow the Holy Spirit to develop the fruit of kindness in us which leads to an overflow of being nice without the nasty.

We do not have the luxury of being disingenuous or hurtful in our conversation

https://www.thechristianrecorder.com/nice-nastyis-just-nasty

🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺🌺

Nice/nasty;

/experience of being invalidated by certain people in our lives.

lowers

self-esteem in a subtle way/

If we try to explain how we feel, these people can easily turn the conversation around, making us out to be sensitive, judgemental and in the wrong.

also known as "invalidators"

Keep You Uncertain

invalidator method;

#1You never know when they might explode and do something to upset you.

#2 you never know how to feel around them/

puts the responsibility for their feelings on you.

#3 can easily set a frame around you, making you explain yourself to them

#4 makes you feel like you owe them something. (obligation)

# 5 likes to act as if everyone agrees with them.

# 6 attacks your self-esteem instead of addressing the real problem. 

#7 passing judgment which assumes that this is who you are as a person, and everyone would agree.

#8 Generalise And Exaggerate The Truth

#9 imply you are your character defect rather than you have a character defect.

#10 Use The Sneak Attack

#11 Invalidators make others feel uncomfortable / off balance

#12 Send A Double Message

#13 They Will Cut you off in mid-sentence

#14 ask leading questions

#15They Build You Up, Then Cut You Down

#16 A ‘Double Bind’

What's the invalidators intentions/ Ways they win?

( these people are numb emotionally)

-Make themselves feel something

-Feel superior ( have chronic low self esteem or even no sense of self / identity deprived

- a defense  that makes them feel Invulnerable (it's the one defense tool in their kit that protects them from intimacy)

-Trapping others in double binds is a form of intimacy to them.

Always Judgemental

passing judgment which assumes that this is who you are as a person, and everyone would agree.

attacks your self-esteem instead of addressing the real problem. 

Addressing the real problem would mean taking responsibility for their feelings which invalidators don't do (can't do / don't know how to do/ have no motivation to do.)

Generalise And Exaggerate The Truth

Use The Sneak Attack

Their face will also show concern. They may even try to be nice, but underneath are daggers.

Invalidators make others feel uncomfortable / off balance/ the way they win.

Send A Double Message

They appear innocent to observers, but you can always sense something in the way they are talking to you.

They Will Cut you off before you finish answering.

ask leading questions

you can’t answer this question without appearing wrong/bad character defect

The invalidator may even walk out in the middle of a conversation, leaving you with a pile of thoughts jammed in your mind.

An invalidator will put out threats due to the positive changes you are making in your life.

🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

we cannot always avoid certain people in our lives, we can, however, avoid feeling trapped by them.

□□□□□□□□□□□□□

https://lonerwolf.com/why-are-people-abusive

you might boil with hatred for the rest of the day, demonizing the person in your mind 

The result of getting consumed in another person’s toxic words and behaviors is devastating to our well-being … but you know what? It feels kind of good to be righteously indignant. It feels kind of nice to be intoxicated with anger.

When we feel unjustly wronged, we are immediately rewarded with the self-righteous feeling of being “victims” and not only that – we also feel a sense of immediate self-superiority.

anger is like a drug because not only does it give us a false sense of being “better,” “nicer,” “more correct” and “justified” in our righteous indignation, but it also keeps up the illusion of separation between us and the world

(An habitual substitute for True intimacy)

This can be one of the greatest hindrances of looking behind the veil of mean behavior: 

our refusal to let go of our anger. (Anger is our bond to ego/agency/identity/sense that we are superior)

Once we are ready to release our anger and once we are willing to let go of the benefits it brings us, we can then learn to truly understand “why are people malicious?” 

the benefits of genuinely understanding why are endless.

In the process of demonizing mean and cruel people, we dehumanize them (giving them Supernatural powers)

They are in fact normal, deeply wounded people

They are suffering from 

-feelings of rejection,

 -anger, 

-loneliness, 

-frustration,

 -depression and

 -other forms of emotional suffering (motivating a large percentage of their behavior)

We don’t take time to understand them because we are greatly repelled by their behavior (and because let’s face it, we’re deeply wounded as well).

unkind, cruel, and vicious behavior has its root in pain.

Understanding another person’s pain involves disintegrating the boundaries between “you” and “other.”🌺

-reflecting on what you know of a person’s past,

 -asking your friends or colleagues why a person is behaving the way they are, 

-guess work.

(Weaponized pain)

behavior of misdirected pain

- family stress,

- work pressures, 

-a break up or

 -divorce, 

-a tragedy, or something more vague like -depression,

- fear of failure

- fear of abandonment,

 -low self-esteem, 

-anxiety or any other emotion, 

when a person doesn’t know how to deal with their pain they will misdirect it towards others.

Learning how to 

emotionally understand

 a person 

-Let yourself feel your emotions of anger and resentment, but also let them pass.

-What type of pain is this person feeling that is causing them to act out in this way?” 

-as you open yourself / emotionally understand them with empathy and forgiveness.

Perhaps someone will do the same favor to you one day. After all, none of us are saints.

https://lonerwolf.com/why-are-people-abusive/

Comments

https://lonerwolf.com/why-are-people-abusive

we all have a choice of how we choose to respond to what we are given. I chose to engage.

You are entitled to your own opinion,” I said. “But we also live in congress with other human beings. Why would you say something so aggressive and unkind?”

( to be said with my inside voice)

"failure of kindness,” and those three words were very much on my mind.

 I realized was that I, too, had been unkind...

came from a place of being wounded/

feeling the need to fight back

kindness engenders kindness, the lack of it can be a powerful teacher.